The Beginning of the End
by xMusicxIsxMyxLife
Summary: What Phil doesn't know won't hurt him...right?
1. Chapter 1

When Phil met Dan, he thought he was amazing. What he didn't know was that Dan had a secret that could end up killing him.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil had been a very big part of Dan's life from when he first DM'd him on Twitter, and then again and eventually, they became friends. But Dan never told Phil about his depression, leading to a very worried Phil when Dan wouldn't answer his calls or texts. Phil had no idea that Dan was depressed, he just thought that Dan wanted some time alone, which Phil gladly gave him. He didn't know that in those times, Dan needed Phil more than ever. But Dan was so against people helping him, that he just shoved everyone away… and that included Phil. But, oddly enough, no matter how many times Dan pushed him away, didn't answer his calls or texts, Phil always came back. Phil just wanted to know why this was happening. Unfortunately, that was the one question Dan couldn't answer. All Dan knew was that on the bad days, when his self-loathing choked him and he couldn't get out of bed, he needed Phil, but he denied himself that because Phil was too good for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan's POV:

My name is Dan Howell and to put it bluntly, I'm severely clinically depressed. I have my good days and my bad days and then the things that I like to call the Dark Days. The Dark Days I don't like talking about, because all that talking about them makes them more real, and I just want to forget those days ever existed. When I met Phil, he was like sunshine in my dark world, and I very quickly became dependent on him, which scares the shit out of me. When you have depression, you don't want to do anything and your self care goes to complete and utter crap. Phil is like the sunshine after a dark day, and I have already admitted it to myself that I need him, but it scares the fucking shit out of me because he does not know that I'm depressed. I honestly don't want to tell him, I am so scared that he's going to look at me differently, like I'm fragile and breakable. I know I have to tell him at some point, mainly because he gets worried when I don't answer his calls and texts. I don't want to worry him, I just want to tell him that I'm not worth worrying about. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I just cannot lose him.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil POV:

Hi I'm Phil! I know something is wrong with Dan, with all the forced smiles and fake laughter. I know Dan but I have the feeling that he's hiding something from me, and I wish he could just trust me enough to tell me. I love him and he's just gonna have to tell me one day. But anyway, he's amazing and I wish he could see it. Maybe he's depressed? I have no idea. I could always ask him, maybe he'd tell me.

"Hey Dan," I say as I walk into the lounge, where Dan is in his sofa crease. "Can I ask you something? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." "Yeah sure," Dan says. "Dan… Are you depressed?" "Um… yeah actually. That's why I sometimes don't come out of my room and my self care goes to shit but it sucks and I tried pushing you away so many times but you just kept coming back and I'm really sorry for being a depressed piece of shit, but I'll get better I promise." "Dan… will you let me help you get better? Please?" I am so glad he finally opened up to me, but now comes the tough part. "Dan, a couple of weeks ago I found bloody tissues in the trash. Are- are you cutting yourself?" At this, Dan tenses up. "What are you going to do if I say yes?" "Help you through it. I'm not gonna say you can't have bad days because you can but I want to see you really smile again and laugh without it being fake. I can't promise it's gonna be easy, but it will be worth it." I am so sad that he felt the need to do that to himself and just god I want to help him. "How long have you been cutting yourself?" I ask gently. "Um, around five years?" He starts counting on his fingers. And jesus that's a really long time and how did I not notice earlier. "Dan… that's called a maladaptive coping mechanism. You can't do that anymore. Would you be okay with giving me all your blades or whatever you use?" I say. "Well, you'd have to get rid of the kitchen knives too. I always said that I'd never fuck with knives but I did. Nearly bled to death." Oh holy moly. This is a lot worse than I thought.


	5. Chapter 5

Dan's POV:

Oh holy crap, I told him. I told him! I feel a lot better, rather than having a secret that could end up killing me one day. I'm so happy that I finally told him. Sometimes I'm so scared of what I think that I just need someone to hold me. "So, Dan, what happens when it gets really bad?" Phil asks. "I don't know, just hold me and tell me everything's gonna be okay, even if it won't. Sometimes you're gonna have to force me to do simple things like take a shower or brush my hair and teeth. Like it sucks that I can't even get up the motivation to do the simple stuff. Sometimes, when i get really scared of what I'm thinking, I just need a hug. Like physical contact helps, distraction helps and just being there is a little thing that can do wonders for my mood." Okay whew, he hasn't run out screaming yet, so that's a good thing. Phil was my rock through depression and when I ran out of my anti-depressants he helped him try to make the withdrawal symptoms better. I was so anxious, I was sweating and shaking and I just felt like shit. Phil was my rock throughout that stressful time.


End file.
